Would you like some cheese with that WHINE?

The last few days have been a blur of mind-numbing pain. As usual, AF is reminding me once again that, despite over two decades of monthly agony and the assorted ailments that come with it, I’ve still never gotten pregnant. It’s hard, at this point, to keep hoping this will ever change. And, as a bonus, my migraines kicked into overdrive and yesterday I woke up retching. Sometimes I think there’s no amount of morning sickness that’s ever going to be a problem for me because of the many, many times I’ve been vomiting in the past couple of years with no baby to look forward to as compensation.

So I have to admit that when I recently saw some whiny post on an infertility forum from someone who doesn’t just have one kid but actually has TWO, I just about had it. I realize that my perception is clouded by my own experience, and that there are other parts of my life that I have every reason to be grateful for. I have a loving, supportive husband. I live a comfortable, safe life in a house I love. I want for nothing other than the chance to become a mother, to have a child with the man I love. But yes, I know that even my problems seem trivial compared to others – people who have no home, don’t know how they’ll put food on the table, or in other countries, have to worry that a simple trip to the grocery store could end up in death because of an explosion or gunfire. So, yes – I know that everything in life is about perception, about where you’re at in relation to any given situation or problem.

But I HATE and resent it when people who already have children fail to grasp that they should be grateful – and it makes me beyond irate when they tell primary IFers, especially those who have experience m/c or, worse even, s/b, that secondary IF is either the same OR worse (puhleeze, don’t make me slap you).

I know we shouldn’t be getting into a proverbial p***ing match over who has it worse – where does it end? I wrote about this in another post, I think, because I kind of feel that way sometimes when I read about someone else’s AMH levels being much higher than mine. But none of that is nearly as irritating to me.

It may seem callous, mean-spirited or selfish – but I just don’t understand how someone can even think, for a split second, that there’s not a difference between having at least one child and NOT having even one? How is that the same, at all? How does someone who is struggling with secondary IF not get, for a split second, how horrible it would be if they didn’t even have the one child they already have – the one they can fawn over, cuddle, dress in a cute Halloween outfit and take pictures with while the closest we’re getting is yet another exam that shows an empty womb. Yay for us. 

I’m always incredible grateful when I read a post by a secondary IFer who acknowledges her blessings. I am so grateful to her because she is thankful, she’s aware of how much worse it could be. She understands.

So when I read the post from this woman who was comparing primary infertility to what, in her case is technically tertiary infertility, I really, really just wanted to b****-slap her. Let me tell you something. I would love love LOVE to have three children. I would LOVE to adopt an infant that someone else doesn’t want – if it didn’t come with such a horrendous price tag that it makes IVF look cheap. But at this point? I’d be so grateful if I even got pregnant at all that I’d be crying tears of joy. I have zero indication, so far, that my body is even capable of getting pregnant by any means whatsoever – never mind sustain a full gestation to result in a live birth. So as far as I’m concerned, even though I want three, just ONE, just a single, healthy baby, would be better than winning the lottery to me right now.

Today is the first tiny ray of hope that I won’t be spending the entire weekend wishing I had a way to blow out my own brains – because if you’ve ever had a real migraine (as opposed to people calling a barely noticeable headache a “migraine” – which, fyi, it is NOT), you know that it can get so bad that you literally want to die just to make the pain stop. The last time I had to take a trip to the ER because of them, it was so bad that they administered morphine. TWICE. Yeah, it’s that bad.

The silver lining of having these migraines is that, when they go away, I feel so grateful and happy that I almost have tears in my eyes. And it makes me more positive, it makes me happy – it makes me more productive. So right now, as I’m still laboring in pain and secretly worrying about the amount of medication I’ve taken in the last few days just to be able to get out of bed at all, I’m hoping that I’ll be feeling much better by the end of the weekend at least. It has to…

All of these considerations made me realize that I’m just as bad as the secondary IFers I keep complaining about. Sure, I still find it annoying – but that’s not the point. The point is that they’re coming at it from a different perspective, just like I am. The only thing I can do is to make an earnest effort to change ME, to change my lifestyle, to do the things I need to do to prepare my body for when we can afford to do IVF, finally. Of course I’m scared that it’ll be too late by then, but there’s no point in worrying about this when I can’t do anything about it right now.

I pledge to do better. I pledge to take better care of myself and not to blame my body for not giving me a baby yet. I pledge to treat myself with more love, more compassion, more consideration. And I hope those of you who’ve been feeling as crummy as I have will do the same – because at some point, our time will come.

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9 thoughts on “Would you like some cheese with that WHINE?

  1. Like you said, I think the issue of primary vs secondary IF comes down to how the person handles it. When the person appears to not appreciate what they have (like muskokamomma’s example…god!), and the difference between primary and secondary, I agree I get really angry and frustrated. But, there are blogs I read and a person I know it real life where I can hear the pain they’re in and I still totally sympathize even though its a different pain.

    • I totally agree. For me, the definitive difference is when someone with secondary IF at least acknowledges that she’s grateful for the child she already has. I have absolutely no tolerance or sympathy for people who already have two – or more! – children because as far as I’m concerned, they have no business being on an IF forum in the first place, nor should they be whining about anything relating to pregnancy etc. I get where someone with secondary IF is shocked when they previously conceived with little to no problems – and I also understand that most people want their child to have a sibling. But when you start talking about something complaining about IF while trying for #4, 6, 8 or whatever – I mean SERIOUSLY?

  2. If you’ve had to get morphine for a migrane I think you’re entitled to complain, so don’t compare yourself to a person with secondary infertility.

    Oh, and those people who say secondary infertility is harder are frustrating. I tried forums early on in my infertility life and got out quickly when I came across a mother of 5 who was having trouble concieving #6. I don’t recall the exact details but I think she was considering ART for #6. I couldn’t read any further.

    • Honestly, I think secondary IF – ok it’s upsetting but people dealing with that, I can SORT of still understand why they’re on an IF forum. But once you already have two or more, sorry you have ZERO business on an IF forum and I don’t feel any sympathy or compassion for you.

  3. Hey Alex, you are totally right about the primary IF being worse than secondary or tertiary IF–anybody who says otherwise is a stupid nasty wh*rebag and does not deserve the children she already has. Period. XO

  4. Sorry about AF and the migraines – I get migraines too and usually want to crawl in a hole an die while suffering from one… they are brutal!
    I saw that post – at least I think I know which one you are talking about… I almost lost my mind too – I know that infertility is hard, and I am sure it is hard to struggle to conceive when the first time or two was easy, or even if you have had a struggle and got pregnant, the second time would be frustrating too. BUT I was absolutely amazed at someone complaining to a group of women who are struggling and facing the harsh reality that they may never have even ONE child and she’s struggling for number 3… I don’t like to negate anyone’s struggle – but seriously – tertiary IF isn’t the same, it won’t ever be…because you have two lovely children already. Regardless of if a third comes along you’re a mother. Some of us may never be. I had to spell it out for my sister a few weeks ago who told me that having my niece means “Absolutly nothing” when you want more children – ARE YOU KIDDING ME – I would give anything for one. I have always wanted more than one, but right now, I would like one. JUST ONE, and you tell me the one you have means nothing????
    Good for you for calling this person out on it. Its ignorant…hurtful… and there is a place for people who are struggling with their second or third child….

    • Wow, I’m so sorry that your sister made such an insensitive comment! I can’t believe people say things like that – I mean, it’s like saying the child or children they already have are worthless. Honestly, to me anyone who isn’t grateful for having at least one doesn’t even deserve motherhood in the first place – because how on earth you can not revel in the miracle you already created is simply beyond me.

      • It’s true. They should be thankful for the children they have. I ran into another post by another woman who is trying with her third, and after 4 MONTHS she’s freaking out about infertility. On top of that she goes on to say how devastated she was when she was pregnant the first two times because they were poor and she got pregnant and now she’s in tears because she’s tried for four months for number three and they have it all planned an laid out now… All I wanted to say was bitch please…

      • YOU SHOULD. Because unless or until people start actually speaking up about things like this, women like that are going to keep acting like it’s the end of the world when they’re trying to conceive a small football team worth of children. Seriously, what happened to 2 or 3? Why is everyone suddenly thinking they need to have 6 or more – wth???

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