WARNING: may contain swearing.
I’m having a moment. Ok, that’s a lie – I’ve been having a moment since about 36 hours ago, when I realized that I was “in the zone”, meaning PMSing. I only realized this, really, after my foul mood coincided with AF minus 7 days.
In other words, I’ve turned into Godzilla – and I pretty much feel like this right now:
Everything and everyone is annoying me right now – in fact, even DH is pissing me off so much that the reason for this post is mostly to prevent myself from screaming at him just for, you know, breathing. Yep, that pretty much sums up the kind of wildebeest I turn into thanks to my wacky hormones – and I’m not even taking any meds, so maybe you can understand my trepidation at the thought of eventually pumping my body full of artificial hormones. I’m so terrified of the side effects that I’m climbing the walls just thinking about what kind of crazy lunatic I might turn into.
But I figure that since I’m trying to deal with my emotions in a way that doesn’t involve wolfing down my dog’s weight in unhealthy junk food, I’d rant, instead, about my list of things that are annoying me today:
- People who don’t even say thank you when you send them something. I’m so glad I wasted the time and effort to do that and you can’t be bothered to pick up the phone. I’ll be sending you something again – NEVER.
- How there’s somehow never anything good on tv when you need to unwind. They keep canceling about 75% of the shows I like – yet, inexplicably, all the trashy reality tv idiots are still getting paid to flash their privates or go shopping. If you watch this crap, you’re making me angry right now because you’re part of the reason why that stuff is STILL on tv.
- Not being able to get a decent nights sleep for so long that the last full night of restful sleep is a distant memory that might as well have occurred in a different lifetime or parallel universe.
- How every time I turn on the tv or read something online, there’s a new story about how the FDA is allowing us all to be poisoned by allowing chemicals and other assorted crap in our food supply that’s banned by hundreds of countries across the world – including, unbelievably, CHINA. That’s right, people – apparently China has more health and safety controls in place when it comes to FOOD than we do in the good old US of A.
- Trying to have a conversation with someone that is of substance in any way whatsoever – only to realize that all they’re interested in are platitudes. Because, apparently, it would be so much better if I just choked on a vat of Valium so that I can pretend there’s sunshine coming out of my a$$.
- Not being able to snap out of it when I want to. Like, right now.
- Sometimes feeling that I just want to tell everyone to F off. Because apparently NO ONE gives a crap that we’re childless and still trying to figure out how to cope with this – apparently the most helpful thing that we’re entitled to from family is “well, just give it a try and if it doesn’t work out that’s just life”. REALLY? HOW INCREDIBLY INSIGHTFUL OF YOU AND SO HELPFUL. NOT!!!!!
- The fact that, somehow, I still haven’t woken up magically transformed into an even tempered person. I HATE, and I mean HATE HATE HATE being a slave to my hormones. I hate how I can literally be ok one day and then, suddenly, it’s like something in the air and – oh yeah – once again NOT PREGNANT so my hormones just want to torment me before my body goes into its monthly ritual of giving me cramps and other assorted pains. Because, you know, over 2 decades of dealing with this BS and still having NOTHING to show for it isn’t making me feel the least bit resentful AT ALL.
- Hoping, STILL, stupidly – in a way that makes me so angry at myself that I actually want to punch MYSELF, that somehow, by some ridiculously crazy miracle, it WILL just happen. Because if it happens for crack whores and an army of unworthy people, why can’t it “just” happen for me? WHY? WHY WHY WHY???? And why can’t I just get that fact through my thick skull – why can’t I just accept that it’s never going to happen because even if/when we spend an arm and a leg and I get stuffed for of meds like a Thanksgiving turkey…even then we have a slim chance at best.
- Being angry at people who are pregnant. Or have babies. Or kids. Or a family who cares about them. Right now I hate everyone who I think is better off than I am – and I’m hating myself for feeling so churlish, so petty, like such a gremlin.
- Just wanting to pack a bag, get in my car and drive away. Because even though I know I can’t run away from my problems, I’d like to leave them in the rearview mirror for a while. But of course I’m not about to do that since (a) we’re still trying to save up for IVF and (b) I don’t feel like that would be fair to DH. So I’m stuck in a Catch 22. And I AM MAD ABOUT IT.
I could go on but I think it’s obvious my state of mind is basically an annoyingly loud, screeching siren ringing DANGER! DANGER! I’m so furious with myself, most of all, because I feel like I’m basically in the same place I was a year ago – only I’m older, more crap has happened that’s made me feel even more worthless, and I’m basically pulling hope out of thin air because there’s not much of it going around right now.
I feel like a grade A loser today.